Two Minute Movie: Public Enemies

After a much needed hiatus, The Middlest Child is back and blasting through your web pages like Palin and Cheney blast deer and humans, respectively. I bet you’re wondering, “Why did it take you months to write a new, mediocre article?” Well, annoyingly critical reader, we at TMC have been too busy with our own lives. And by that I mean one half has been trying to re-assimilate into American culture, and the other’s lung exploded. Too soon? Long story short, we’re continuing the Two Minute Movie series with the summer blockbuster season. First up…Public Enemies.

Synopsis: Johnny Depp robs banks and Christian Bale tries to break his record for weirdest voice in a movie.

JOHNNY DEPP: It’s about time I played someone without face makeup, eh?
HENCHMAN 1: Yeah, I guess. Aren’t you playing the Mad Hatter soon?
DEPP: Shhh…
HENCHMAN 1: What are we doing at this jail, anyways?
DEPP: Bustin’ bitches out!

Johnny Depp and other guys wearing cool hats bust people out of jail and shoot a bunch of cops. Cool points = 18.

Elsewhere:

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey, you! Criminal! Get back here!
CRIMINAL: No way! I’m gonna run in a straight line through this orchard, though…so take your time shooting me.
CHRISTIAN BALE: Thanks, pal!

He shoots him in the back (bitch move).

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey…aren’t you that guy from Step Up?
CRIMINAL: Maybe.
CHRISTIAN BALE: I’m surprised you had the time between all that dancing to be in a cool movie with me, Batman.
CRIMINAL: You’re not Batman in real life…
CHRISTIAN BALE: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Criminal dies, most likely due to proximity of Christian Bale’s inexplicably weird voice.

BILLY CRUDUP: Announcement! Stop looking for my giant blue penis because it’s not coming out this time. Also, Christian Bale is a badass cop and he must find Johnny Depp!
PUBLIC: Yayayayayagogogogogogo!
CHRISTIAN BALE: YEAH! YOU’RE ALL REALLY DAMN LUCKY! KEEP CHEERING, BITCHES! I’M CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING BALE AND I ONLY DO MOVIES WHERE I PROTECT THE SHIT OUT OF CITIES!

Then, Johnny Depp escapes like 80 billion times and robs banks and goes to hideouts and other typical criminal things. Later, Christian Bale finally has a good idea and stakes out the hideout with a billion cops.

JOHNNY DEPP: You’ll never catch me!
CHRISTIAN BALE: WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS? HAVE YOU NEVER WORKED ON A MOVIE BEFORE YOU INCOMPETENT ARSE?
JOHNNY DEPP: Why are you always yelling?

Johnny Depp escapes again, duh. All his friends die, though. Then, Christian Bale goes for Johnny Depp’s friends.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey, foreign lady! I couldn’t find Tim Burton so you must be his next closest friend. WHERE IS HE?!??!?!? BLAAARREAAAARRRRHHGHGG!
LADY: He’s going to a movie tonight. Just shoot him then. How come it took you over two hours to come up with his idea?
CHRISTIAN BALE: SHUT UP OR I’LL DEPORT YOU.

Christian Bale stakes out the movie theater and Johnny Depp gets shot by some other guy that’s not Christian Bale randomly. He dies in slow motion while everybody wonders why Christian Bale is getting so weird.

MARION COTTILARD: BTW, audience, I’m in this movie. No reason really. I’m crying though because now Johnny is dead and I’m pretty sad because I was in love with him for the roughly ten minutes of this movie because he bought me a lovely new coat.
CHRISTIAN BALE: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

THE END.

Keep checking back for new stuff! Love, TMC.

Time Fisters! Issue 4 Pg.1

“Domestic Disturbance” 

Time Fisters! Issue 3 Pg. 7.

“A Fistfull of Fisters”

This brings us to the conclusion of Issue 3. Issue 4 to your brain next week.

Bionic Animals. This needs to stop: A call to action.

Dear American Politician,

 My name as Aldus Swinley and I have a concern. I’ve been reading a lot lately. An exorbitant amount actually and  most of it done on the computer. This computer reading has triggered me to think that perhaps you don’t have your constituencies best interests at the forefront of your mind. I will organize this to you in such a way that you can understand with the utmost speed and absorbency i.e. a bounty quicker picker upper.

(the quicker picker upper)

 

BIONIC ANIMALS. I know capitalizing words isn’t good grammar but these freaks of nature really chap my hide and I wanted you to understand how upset my hide and me are.  Science started out as the good guys helping out little leg-less puppies by attaching them to doggy wheel chairs thus allowing them to zip around pretending they are normal.

 

(Not Normal)

I’m all for playing house, but when that house turns into one that belongs in the circus between to the six-dicked, three toed man, and the woman who turned herself into a pregnant bird of prey or something I draw the line.

(Actual Photo of Facts)

How would you feel having to tell your children the mystical story of how babies are made only to google a picture of a stork and this pops up?  

(Just make it disappear)

This son of a bitch is a monstrosity. Your child would cry and ask mommy to “just take it away,” after a quick glimpse of this “bird.” Try to ignore the pitch-black devil eyes for one second and look a little down and to the left. See that beak? That is steel. U.S. Steel. The backbone of our country. Steel is no longer building frames for our next highway or railroad but rather taking a Mother Goose fairy tale stork and making it an airborne weapon that not even Alfred Hitchcock could have thought up. Not poly-urethane – alloy, blah, blah, blah. This is one rugged pecker that is prime to do some damage.

I know what you’re thinking “But, storks are stupid, stupid animals, and wouldn’t know how to use that thing anyway.” Well then may I present to you this.

(Worlds smartest animal. Watch your shit.)

 

Why are these assholes always smiling at me? Cocky grin plastered onto its face every time. Looking and thinking that it’s better then me. Well, look closer at that top picture. Look at the tail. Ya, that’s not real soon to be tuna in my belly tail meat. That’s a bionic tale which I’m sure allows him to swim a good ten to fifteen miles-per-hour faster, and jump three times as high. I ask you, why are we further arming the same animal that can kill real life sharks and attempted an assassination plot on the President of these United States.

(Real Life Movie)

If General George Patton couldn’t barely stop this thing with a normal fin …I….I….  I don’t even want to continue to think about the possible consequences. 

I beg of you to think about the road we are headed down. I do say that we must think morally here. We should not just slap some steel on a stork because we can and it needs to survive. First a bionic tail fin on a dolphin and then…

It’s a slippery…

slippery…

 

slope.

Fuck.

That is all. Sincerely,

Aldus Swinley

 

*All pictures courtesy of FreakingNews.com*

Time Fisters! Issue 4 Pg. 6

“The Dead President”

Again, Kari G and Dres F.C. apologize for the lack of content. But we are brining you a weeklong battle of epic proportions. Starting soon TMC, Dres F.C. and feature writer Kyle D bring you …THE MAN DRAFT. (Explosion)

Time Fisters! Issue 3 Pg. 5

Oh thats right a beheading. 

We apologize for the  lack of posts recently, but Kari G and Dres F.C. are working on a week long event exclusive to T.M.C. Brace yourselves.

Time Fisters! Issue 3 Pg. 4

We promised you action and you got your action. Enough of this backstory bull shit. It’s about time people got killed.

Happy Birthday: An Internet Singing Telegram

Have you ever been sitting at your computer creeping on your high school acquaintance’s Facebook page or Googling pictures of Robert Pattinson and thought, “Hot damn! I really wish I could send this person a singing telegram, but I just don’t have the time or resources.” Well, now you have TMC! The Middlest Child is now offering an Internet Singing Telegram service specializing in birthdays, bat mitzvahs, and divorces. Available for hire immediately. We’re starting off this new service with a very special birthday tribute to a man who was raised by a pack of wild bears and taught how to sing by the gods: Jon Bon Jovi. The Jovinator turns 47 years old today, March 2, and we’re kicking it off right.

Feel free to visit our About Us/Contact page in order to get in touch with us about an Internet Singing Telegram of your own. Brought to you by Kari G. and Dres F.C. with special thanks to Mimi G.

more about “Happy Birthday: An Internet Singing T…“, posted with vodpod

A Heartfelt Letter to Kate Winslet

Dear Kate Winslet,

First and foremost, congratulations on your Oscar win last night. As an avid member of the Academy-watching community, let me say that I fully support the conspiracy that led to you being nominated for Best Actress and by default snubbing both your husband and Leo for Rev Road. Congrats.

By the way, I liked your dad’s hat. Were you raised on a pirate ship? Nevermind. That was a silly question. Of course you were.

I digress. The real reason I’m writing this letter, Kate, is not to congratulate you on your swashbuckling ancestry or your award for having Nazi sex with a teenage boy, but to tell you that life is worth living, Kate. As I’m sure you saw last night, the world is a bright, happy place full of melodrama, political agenda, and Indian people.

Speechless? I know it must be hard. But it’s about time someone came out like the cast and crew of Milk and said something…so here it is: You need to stop trying to kill yourself in all your movies. Sometimes you even succeed, and it’s only a matter of time before your acting becomes reality. We’re worried, Kate.

Case in point:

Your violent tendencies begin in 1994, where you murder your best friend in Heavenly Creatures.

In 1995, you were in Sense and Sensibility, in which you managed to stay alive but generally Jane Austen makes me want to kill myself and therefore I’m counting it.

In 1996, you played Ophelia in Hamlet. Bam, suicide.

Titanic was in 1997, where you were ready to jump off the back of a large ship and had to be talked down by Leo. Suicide attempt, though failed due to teen hottie interference.

In 2000, you were apparently in a movie called Quills. You were murdered.

In 2004, you played Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wherein you did drugs and drove drunk. If you cared about your life, you wouldn’t do such things.

2004 also brought Finding Neverland. Guess what? YOU DIED.

In 2006, I thought I was home free with the romantic comedy, The Holiday. But no…you had to go ahead and have a breakdown and start inhaling stove gas. Not dead, but attempted.

Then, in 2008, you pulled out the big guns. First, you commit suicide via self-induced botched abortion in Revolutionary Road (Leo couldn’t stop you this time).

…And then you go ahead and old-fashioned hang yourself in The Reader.

It’s not your fault, Kate. You don’t have to live like this. When life gets tough, remember that there are people out there in India choreographing dances on train platforms, and that Mickey Rourke is in a dumpster somewhere writing a movie about his dog. Suicide is not the answer, Kate. Just cool it for a while.

Although, if I may congratulate you on something else, I state this as fact:
No one dies on film like Kate Winslet.
  

Sincerely,

KG
Concerned Fan

Two-Minute Movie: Milk

By Kari G.

Last but not least is the biopic that everyone who didn’t vote Yes on Prop 8 is talking about: Milk. Contrary to popular belief, this film is a new Michael Moore documentary about cows. Sean Penn plays Harvey Milk, a gay activist/politician who bones down with James Franco and Diego Luna.

MILK: Hey, James Franco. I like you and your sexy mustache.
JAMES FRANCO: I like you too.
MILK: You know what I like even more than you? Running for political office.
JAMES FRANCO: That’s hot.

Milk loses the race a bunch of times.

KID FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: I love to dance!
EMILE HIRSCH: I’m super gay and super awesome.
JAMES FRANCO: It’s okay, Harvzies. You’ll get em next year.
MILK: Thanks you big sexy man, you.
EMILE HIRSCH: Yeah, everyone loves you!
JOSH BROLIN: Except for me! Watch out!

Later:

JAMES FRANCO: I know I said I would support you, but I’m out.
MILK: No you’re…okay, now you are. Boo hoo!
DIEGO LUNA: I know I’m a creep, but wanna date me instead?
MILK: I guess so.

Milk wins office.

DIEGO LUNA: Just kidding I need attention too. I’m gonna hang myself.
MILK: WOW! That was unexpected and pretty emo. I shall cry.
JAMES FRANCO: I wish I knew how to quit you.
MILK: Huh?
JAMES FRANCO: Oops! Wrong movie. I mean I knew you could do it. Win office, I mean. Not Diego Luna.
MILK: Too soon.

Later:

JOSH BROLIN: I still hate you, you know. I might kinda like you though. But I’m a harsh Christian man so naturally I have to hate you.
MILK: You’ll come around.
JOSH BROLIN: What’s that supposed to mean?
MILK: Shhh…

Later:

EMILE HIRSCH: I’m still super cool. I have rad glasses.
MILK: I know. You know who’s not cool? Josh Brolin.
EMILE HIRSCH: Psh, no doy!
JOSH BROLIN: What did you say!?
MILK: Nothin…
JOSH BROLIN: I am going to kill you! Literally! And the mayor for supporting you! May you die in slow motion looking out a window as I take you from behind. Wait. That sounded bad…Take you out…Dammit…
JAMES FRANCO: It’s okay. You’ll be remembered forever and then someday the guy that made Good Will Hunting will make a movie about you. People will probably still not allow gay marriage though. Sorry.

THE END.

There you have it, peeps. All 5 of the Best Picture nominees right in time for the awards! So, sit back, relax, and enjoy with 100% accurate knowledge of Slumdog and all the runners-up.