WE’RE BACK, BITCHES!

Here’s what you’re probably thinking: Yes! My life can finally go on! I’ve been living in squalor dreaming of the day when TMC would come back so I would have something entertaining to read! No? Well, deal with it then. After a long hiatus, KG and DFC would like to reinstate this glorious site, beginning with the Two-Minute Movies series we know you all loved back roughly a year ago (Shhhh, you know you did). Starting it off is The Road, the newest Cormac McCarthy novel to be adapted for the screen.

Premise: Viggo Mortensen and his stupid child run away from cannibals and falling trees and eat canned pears.

VIGGO: OMG I’m gross looking! I’m hungry. Are you hungry?
SON: Duh.
VIGGO: It’s too bad this apocalypse happened because I really miss banging Charlize Theron.
SON: I’m hungry!
VIGGO: Look! A waterfall.
Viggo gets naked at least twice in this movie because he can’t resist the opportunity to get naked in all of his films.
SON: I’M HUNGRY!
VIGGO: We need food. (coughing like a chain smoking coal miner)

An hour later:

VIGGO: We need food. Look out for the bad guys! (cough, cough)
SON: How do we know who the bad guys are?
VIGGO: The ones that are chopping up and eating those near dead people we saw earlier, you IDIOT CHILD! (cough, cough, cough)
SON: I WANT A DOG!
VIGGO: Are you fucking kidding me? We just saw someone cooking a BABY in the woods and you want a DOG? SHUT UP!
SON: (cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cry cry and then barf) I just want to help people.
VIGGO: Kill yourself.
SON: What?
VIGGO: No, seriously. Here is a gun. There’s one bullet. Kill yourself before the cannibals eat you. (cough, cough, cough up blood)
SON: Nooooooooo I’m a scaredy-cat!
VIGGO: Fine, idiot. Don’t. Btw, I’m dying.
SON: NOOOOOOOOO!
Viggo dies.

Five minutes later:

GUY PEARCE: Hey, kid. Wanna come hang out…?
SON: You look like a bad guy.
GUY PEARCE: I have a dog…
SON: LET’S GO!

The end. To quite possibly the most depressing movie ever.

Synopsis: Johnny Depp robs banks and Christian Bale tries to break his record for weirdest voice in a movie.

JOHNNY DEPP: It’s about time I played someone without face makeup, eh?
HENCHMAN 1: Yeah, I guess. Aren’t you playing the Mad Hatter soon?
DEPP: Shhh…
HENCHMAN 1: What are we doing at this jail, anyways?
DEPP: Bustin’ bitches out!

Johnny Depp and other guys wearing cool hats bust people out of jail and shoot a bunch of cops. Cool points = 18.

Elsewhere:

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey, you! Criminal! Get back here!
CRIMINAL: No way! I’m gonna run in a straight line through this orchard, though…so take your time shooting me.
CHRISTIAN BALE: Thanks, pal!

He shoots him in the back (bitch move).

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey…aren’t you that guy from Step Up?
CRIMINAL: Maybe.
CHRISTIAN BALE: I’m surprised you had the time between all that dancing to be in a cool movie with me, Batman.
CRIMINAL: You’re not Batman in real life…
CHRISTIAN BALE: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Criminal dies, most likely due to proximity of Christian Bale’s inexplicably weird voice.

BILLY CRUDUP: Announcement! Stop looking for my giant blue penis because it’s not coming out this time. Also, Christian Bale is a badass cop and he must find Johnny Depp!
PUBLIC: Yayayayayagogogogogogo!
CHRISTIAN BALE: YEAH! YOU’RE ALL REALLY DAMN LUCKY! KEEP CHEERING, BITCHES! I’M CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING BALE AND I ONLY DO MOVIES WHERE I PROTECT THE SHIT OUT OF CITIES!

Then, Johnny Depp escapes like 80 billion times and robs banks and goes to hideouts and other typical criminal things. Later, Christian Bale finally has a good idea and stakes out the hideout with a billion cops.

JOHNNY DEPP: You’ll never catch me!
CHRISTIAN BALE: WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS? HAVE YOU NEVER WORKED ON A MOVIE BEFORE YOU INCOMPETENT ARSE?
JOHNNY DEPP: Why are you always yelling?

Johnny Depp escapes again, duh. All his friends die, though. Then, Christian Bale goes for Johnny Depp’s friends.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Hey, foreign lady! I couldn’t find Tim Burton so you must be his next closest friend. WHERE IS HE?!??!?!? BLAAARREAAAARRRRHHGHGG!
LADY: He’s going to a movie tonight. Just shoot him then. How come it took you over two hours to come up with his idea?
CHRISTIAN BALE: SHUT UP OR I’LL DEPORT YOU.

Christian Bale stakes out the movie theater and Johnny Depp gets shot by some other guy that’s not Christian Bale randomly. He dies in slow motion while everybody wonders why Christian Bale is getting so weird.

MARION COTTILARD: BTW, audience, I’m in this movie. No reason really. I’m crying though because now Johnny is dead and I’m pretty sad because I was in love with him for the roughly ten minutes of this movie because he bought me a lovely new coat.
CHRISTIAN BALE: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

THE END.

Keep checking back for new stuff! Love, TMC.

This brings us to the conclusion of Issue 3. Issue 4 to your brain next week.

Dear American Politician,

 My name as Aldus Swinley and I have a concern. I’ve been reading a lot lately. An exorbitant amount actually and  most of it done on the computer. This computer reading has triggered me to think that perhaps you don’t have your constituencies best interests at the forefront of your mind. I will organize this to you in such a way that you can understand with the utmost speed and absorbency i.e. a bounty quicker picker upper.

(the quicker picker upper)

BIONIC ANIMALS. I know capitalizing words isn’t good grammar but these freaks of nature really chap my hide and I wanted you to understand how upset my hide and me are.  Science started out as the good guys helping out little leg-less puppies by attaching them to doggy wheel chairs thus allowing them to zip around pretending they are normal.

(Not Normal)

I’m all for playing house, but when that house turns into one that belongs in the circus between to the six-dicked, three toed man, and the woman who turned herself into a pregnant bird of prey or something I draw the line.

(Actual Photo of Facts)

How would you feel having to tell your children the mystical story of how babies are made only to google a picture of a stork and this pops up?  

(Just make it disappear)

This son of a bitch is a monstrosity. Your child would cry and ask mommy to “just take it away,” after a quick glimpse of this “bird.” Try to ignore the pitch-black devil eyes for one second and look a little down and to the left. See that beak? That is steel. U.S. Steel. The backbone of our country. Steel is no longer building frames for our next highway or railroad but rather taking a Mother Goose fairy tale stork and making it an airborne weapon that not even Alfred Hitchcock could have thought up. Not poly-urethane – alloy, blah, blah, blah. This is one rugged pecker that is prime to do some damage.

I know what you’re thinking “But, storks are stupid, stupid animals, and wouldn’t know how to use that thing anyway.” Well then may I present to you this.

(Worlds smartest animal. Watch your shit.)

Why are these assholes always smiling at me? Cocky grin plastered onto its face every time. Looking and thinking that it’s better then me. Well, look closer at that top picture. Look at the tail. Ya, that’s not real soon to be tuna in my belly tail meat. That’s a bionic tale which I’m sure allows him to swim a good ten to fifteen miles-per-hour faster, and jump three times as high. I ask you, why are we further arming the same animal that can kill real life sharks and attempted an assassination plot on the President of these United States.

(Real Life Movie)

If General George Patton couldn’t barely stop this thing with a normal fin …I….I….  I don’t even want to continue to think about the possible consequences. 

I beg of you to think about the road we are headed down. I do say that we must think morally here. We should not just slap some steel on a stork because we can and it needs to survive. First a bionic tail fin on a dolphin and then…

It’s a slippery…

slippery…

slope.

Fuck.

That is all. Sincerely,

Aldus Swinley

*All pictures courtesy of FreakingNews.com*

Again, Kari G and Dres F.C. apologize for the lack of content. But we are brining you a weeklong battle of epic proportions. Starting soon TMC, Dres F.C. and feature writer Kyle D bring you …THE MAN DRAFT. (Explosion)

We apologize for the  lack of posts recently, but Kari G and Dres F.C. are working on a week long event exclusive to T.M.C. Brace yourselves.

Feel free to visit our About Us/Contact page in order to get in touch with us about an Internet Singing Telegram of your own. Brought to you by Kari G. and Dres F.C. with special thanks to Mimi G.

Dear Kate Winslet,

First and foremost, congratulations on your Oscar win last night. As an avid member of the Academy-watching community, let me say that I fully support the conspiracy that led to you being nominated for Best Actress and by default snubbing both your husband and Leo for Rev Road. Congrats.

By the way, I liked your dad’s hat. Were you raised on a pirate ship? Nevermind. That was a silly question. Of course you were.

I digress. The real reason I’m writing this letter, Kate, is not to congratulate you on your swashbuckling ancestry or your award for having Nazi sex with a teenage boy, but to tell you that life is worth living, Kate. As I’m sure you saw last night, the world is a bright, happy place full of melodrama, political agenda, and Indian people.

Speechless? I know it must be hard. But it’s about time someone came out like the cast and crew of Milk and said something…so here it is: You need to stop trying to kill yourself in all your movies. Sometimes you even succeed, and it’s only a matter of time before your acting becomes reality. We’re worried, Kate.

Case in point:

Your violent tendencies begin in 1994, where you murder your best friend in Heavenly Creatures.

In 1995, you were in Sense and Sensibility, in which you managed to stay alive but generally Jane Austen makes me want to kill myself and therefore I’m counting it.

In 1996, you played Ophelia in Hamlet. Bam, suicide.

Titanic was in 1997, where you were ready to jump off the back of a large ship and had to be talked down by Leo. Suicide attempt, though failed due to teen hottie interference.

In 2000, you were apparently in a movie called Quills. You were murdered.

In 2004, you played Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wherein you did drugs and drove drunk. If you cared about your life, you wouldn’t do such things.

2004 also brought Finding Neverland. Guess what? YOU DIED.

In 2006, I thought I was home free with the romantic comedy, The Holiday. But no…you had to go ahead and have a breakdown and start inhaling stove gas. Not dead, but attempted.

Then, in 2008, you pulled out the big guns. First, you commit suicide via self-induced botched abortion in Revolutionary Road (Leo couldn’t stop you this time).

…And then you go ahead and old-fashioned hang yourself in The Reader.

It’s not your fault, Kate. You don’t have to live like this. When life gets tough, remember that there are people out there in India choreographing dances on train platforms, and that Mickey Rourke is in a dumpster somewhere writing a movie about his dog. Suicide is not the answer, Kate. Just cool it for a while.

Although, if I may congratulate you on something else, I state this as fact:
No one dies on film like Kate Winslet.
  

Sincerely,

KG
Concerned Fan